How to write a eulogy
A good eulogy is short, specific and true. Speak for three to five minutes. Open with who they were to you, share two or three small stories that show their character, name what they leave behind, and end by speaking to them or about them simply. Small details move people more than big words.
Being asked to speak about someone you have lost can feel impossible. You are grieving, you are tired, and now you are expected to find words in front of everyone. Please know this first: nobody in that room is judging your writing. They are there because they loved this person too. What they want from you is not a perfect speech. They want to recognise the person they miss.
Whether you are speaking at a funeral, a memorial service or a celebration of life weeks later, the same simple shape works. This guide walks you through it one small step at a time.
Before you write a word
Give yourself fifteen quiet minutes with a notebook or your phone. Don’t try to write sentences yet. Just collect. Ask yourself:
- What did they always say? A phrase, a joke, a blessing, a complaint.
- What did their hands do? Baking, fixing, gardening, writing, knitting.
- What is one ordinary day you remember with them?
- What did they care about that most people never noticed?
- What would they want people to do now?
Talk to one or two family members if you can. They will remember things you have forgotten, and sharing memories is part of grieving, not a distraction from it.
You will end up with far more than you need. That is good. A eulogy is chosen, not invented.
A simple structure
Most eulogies that people remember follow the same quiet shape.
1. Who they were to you. One or two sentences. Your relationship, and the feeling you have when you think of them.
2. Two or three small stories. This is the heart of it. Choose moments that show their character rather than describing it. “She was generous” is easy to forget. The time she gave her own coat to a stranger at the bus stop in the snow is not.
3. What they leave behind. Their habits in you, the people they shaped, the lessons that will outlast them.
4. A simple ending. Speak to them directly, or say what you will carry. Short is better here.
Aim for three to five minutes, which is roughly 400 to 650 words. If several people are speaking, keep to the shorter end.
Show, don’t summarise
The single most useful thing you can do is replace adjectives with moments.
Example
Grandma never let anyone leave her house hungry. Not guests, not the mailman, not the boy who came to read the meter. If you said you had already eaten, she would nod, smile, and put a plate in front of you anyway.
Notice there is no “she was caring” in that passage. The story does the work, and everyone who knew her will be nodding.
Use their own words
If they had a saying, use it. Hearing their voice, even through yours, is often the moment people smile through tears.
Example
Every Sunday, Danny would call and ask the same question: “Have you done one useful thing today?” I used to find it annoying. Now I ask myself every morning, and I can hear him laughing when the answer is no.
It’s fine to include the hard parts, gently
Real people are not saints, and a eulogy that pretends otherwise can feel hollow. You can be honest with kindness, especially with a touch of warmth or humour.
Example
Ruth was the most stubborn woman I have ever known. Uncle Pete used to say arguing with her was like arguing with the weather. But that same stubbornness is why she finished her degree at fifty-two, and why she never once gave up on any of us.
Leave out anything that would hurt someone in the room, settle an old argument, or surprise the family with private news. When in doubt, leave it out.
Write it the way you speak
You are not writing an essay. You are writing something to be said aloud by a person who may be crying. That changes the rules.
- Use short sentences. You will need places to breathe.
- Use the words you actually use. If you called her Nan, or Mom, or Mum, say that.
- Read it aloud while you write. If a sentence trips you up at your desk, it will trip you up on the day.
- Print it in a large font, or keep it on your phone with the screen brightness up.
You can speak in the language of your family, or mix languages the way you do at home. A eulogy should sound like the people who loved them.
Common mistakes
Trying to tell their whole life story. A list of dates and achievements is a biography, and the people in the room already know it. Choose a few true moments instead.
Making it about you. Your grief belongs in it, but keep returning to them.
Going on too long. Grief is exhausting for everyone listening. Three minutes that are true are better than ten that wander.
Waiting for the perfect words. They don’t exist. Simple, honest words are the right ones.
Saying nothing about how you feel. It is all right to say you don’t know how to do this. Often that sentence is the one people remember.
On the day
Bring a glass of water. Take a breath before you start, and look up at a friendly face if you can. If you need to pause, pause. If you cry, the room will wait for you. Nobody will mind. If it becomes too much, it is completely fine to ask someone to finish reading for you. Agreeing on that person beforehand can make the whole day feel lighter.
Afterwards, keep a copy. Many families like to print the eulogy and share it with relatives who couldn’t be there, or read it again on anniversaries.
If you’re stuck
Start with one sentence: “The thing I keep thinking about is…” and finish it. Then write the next thing you remember. You don’t need to begin at the beginning. Put the pieces in order at the end.
And if the words still won’t come, that is not a failure. Grief takes the words away for a while. You can ask someone to sit with you and ask you questions about them; telling stories out loud is often easier than writing them down, and you can shape what you said into a eulogy afterwards.
Written with the help of AI. General guidance, not advice.